Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
