textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
