If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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