Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
