how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
