I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I love you. Go after that dick
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
