i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
