It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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