so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I want her autograph on my taint
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
