It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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