You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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