I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
