How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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