she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You can't special order awesome
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
