dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
