Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
