i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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