Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize