I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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