I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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