I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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