actually, I'm a sock model
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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