Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
