Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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