I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
