so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
