Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
