sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
cat food counts as protein by the way
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Houston, we have a blender
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
