I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
