mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
