piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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