remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize