I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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