Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize