i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Randomize
