I hate all girls vehemently.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
