i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
