she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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