turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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