You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
