I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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