I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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