I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize