I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
