every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
