He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
be right there i have to get my cape
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Never joke about your clitoris.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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