I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
