If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
