Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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