i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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