Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize