I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
