i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
