I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
