So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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