I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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