Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
