i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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