put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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