so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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