do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
