She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
