I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
