I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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