; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
