One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
