I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
