I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
